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Love & Fear

So I finally found a guy who loved me for me and accepted all the crazy messed up stuff that's "wrong" with me.

So what does he do?
He gets scared.
And he puts up a wall.

So I'm heartbroken and angry.
The bitch is back.


Went back to work a week ago.
Lots of changes abound.
Most seem to be for the greater good.
We'll see.

I'm exhausted.
I forgot how hard it is to sit still and behave for 10 hours at a time.

And annoyed.
Lately it seems no matter how much I reach out to others I'm still left alone in the dark.

And that's that.

Ninja's Home from the Hospital

Ninja's Home from the Hospital
Originally uploaded by WyldHorsesTX.

Since quite a few people have asked for the details about Ninja's adventures this week, I figured I'd just put in the blogs for anyone to read about.

Ninja is 7 months old and a mostly-indoor kitty. She loves to go outside anytime I allow it. I try to keep her indoors when visibility is low and/or it's dark out. She's a good girl and comes to the door when we call her to come in. She normally stays within the fenced area of our property, occasionally venturing out to the uncleared lot but never going in or near the road. And it seems no matter where she is, if she sees or hears a car she runs closer to the house.

Well, Monday morning she started her little routine of scratching and dancing around so Mom let her out to do whatever it is she does when she's not laying in the cool dirt under the deck. Several hours later Mom called for her to come in and Ninja didn't come. Almost immediately Mom knew something was wrong so she called Dad to help her look for Ninja.

Now, my Dad must have some special Kung-Fu or something because he walked right over to where she was laying. I don't know how he does it, but he did the same thing when Squeak went missing last November.

Anyway, Dad found her in the wooded lot, lying on her back with her legs splayed in an unnatural position. He picked her up and carried her in the house while Mom came to update me. I hobbled to the kitchen where he lay her down and I have to tell you, it did not look good at all.

We had a mini-family meeting over what to do and I won out. Dad and I took her to the vet to see just how bad it was. The vet thought she broke both her legs but appeared to have no internal injuries at first glance. We left her to be given pain medication and a mild tranquilizer so they could x-ray her more easily.

Several hours later we found out there were 3 separate fractures: both sacroiliac joints (basically her pelvis) and her right femur at the growth plate. The vet said the sacroiliac breaks would heal on their own with no intervention but the femur would have to be surgically repaired unless we wanted what amounted to a be a 3-legged cat.

Another mini-family meeting later and we were on our way to the orthopaedic surgeon that we were referred to. After a thorough evaluation of her files and a brief physical evaluation the surgeon concluded that she was a good candidate for surgery which we could schedule for the following day.

So we left my baby at the hospital with plans to have more x-rays taken under sedation and have at least the femur surgical repaired. Dependent on what the x-rays showed her pelvis would either be left to heal on it's own or would be repaired in the same surgery. Ninja would come home either Wednesday or Thursday depending on how surgery and recovery went. I was encouraged to visit her daily as well as call in to check on her progress.

Tuesday's surgery went well, all three fractures were repaired. She was quite vocal about her unhappiness to be there, especially with barking dogs all around. She seemed to notice I was there when I visited but would not come close enough in the cage to allow me to touch her.

Wednesday's visit went much better. She was quiet and calm. She let me gently pet her all over, even her injured areas. She also ate a little bit of food from my fingers. I didn't want to leave her.

She was able to come home today. She's on antibiotics twice a day and narcotics 3 times a day. She'll continue to wear her Elizabethan collar and use potty pads for the next 10 to 14 days until her staples come out. She'll continue to be confined to a small crate until at least 6 weeks have passed.

So that's that.

What? I didn't tell you what happened?

Well, the truth is, no one but Ninja really knows the whole story.

The vet thinks it was a car. The rest of us think she either got into it with a deer or some other woodland critter or that perhaps she fell from a tree.

All I know is that my baby is home safe and sound.


Ninja & Her Shopping Bag (3)
Originally uploaded by WyldHorsesTX.

Oh my!
Ninja has had quite a day!

She's in the hospital until Wednesday or Thursday. She's having surgery tomorrow to repair her fractured femur. Oh, and she broke her pelvis, too.

I'll update when I know more. In the meantime, I uploaded some photos of her from about a month ago.

Surgical Updates

Surgery is next Tuesday morning 9:00 A.M. at the Nix Hospital downtown.

If anyone wants to come visit me, the hospital is on Navarro. It's best to park either in the lot at the corner of Commerce & Navarro or in the garage on College & Navarro. There is valet parking at the hospital as well, but I imagine it's pricey.

The 1st floor of the building has an information desk and the main floor of the hospital is on the 17th floor. I should be spending most of my time between the 17th & 18th floors, if my memory serves me at all.

Aetna has approved me for the surgery and 2 nights in the hospital. I'll probably only be staying one, unless there are complications or I can't manage my pain very well.

My short-term disability claim with Unum is still pending.

I will return to work on or after November 4th. Dr. Evans is "forcing" me to take all 12 weeks of the short-term disability leave I'm granted.

I'm trying to tell myself it's a vacation. It's not working.

I'm a nervous wreck. The uncertainty of the unknown and the fear of (very real) pain are almost crippling. It will be a miracle if I can make it through the next 4 days of work without snapping. Then I'll have one last day of complete freedom, followed by one last day of work and then it's slice & dice time. Wish me luck. I'm gonna need it.

An Orthopaedic Update

Since 1995 I've suffered from patellofemoral pain syndrome. More specifically, luxating patella or more commonly, patellar tracking disorder.

Initial treatment was PRICES and no weight-bearing for 6 weeks, followed by physical therapy.

The initial orthopaedic surgeon who treated me felt I was wasting his time and had nothing seriously wrong with me. He basically told me to "walk it off." Five years later when I learned of his practice closing due to his heart attack, I wanted to tell him to "walk it off," but figured Karmic Justice was served.

In 2000, I sought out a second opinion. This orthopaedic surgeon began physical therapy immediately, but cautioned that if my condition did not improve he would recommend surgery with an orthopaedic surgeon who specialized in my condition.

In July of 2000 (one day after my 20th birthday) I underwent a high-tibial osteotomy, with insertion of 4 staples. Another 6 weeks of non weight-bearing and PRICES followed.

In March of 2001 I underwent a distal-rotational femoral osteotomy, with 4 additional staples implanted. Again, PRICES and non-weight bearing for 6 weeks.

In March of 2002 I began wearing a highly-customized knee brace. It helped to manage my symptoms for some time.

In December of 2004 I lost my insurance benefits. In December of 2005 I had limited benefits, not enough to be able to afford anything beyond a basic office visit. In October of 2007 I had reliable coverage, which my orthopaedic surgeon did not accept. In January of this year my company changed coverage again and I was finally able to make an appointment with my surgeon. I didn't find the time to make the time until June.

I have now had one month to let reality sink in. On August 4th I will undergo yet another orthopaedic operation. As with the previous surgeries, it will be under the care of Dr. John A. Evans, with the assistance of Dr. Jesse D. DeLee. All 8 staples will be removed and my vastus medialis will be moved. I have no idea exactly what the surgery will entail nor how long recovery will be.

I am extremely apprehensive but see no other alternative. I've been in contact with both my supervisors, my manager, and Unum. My claim is pending, but providing everything is approved, I will have up to 12 weeks to recover before returning to work. I hope to only be out a week or two, three at the most.

I have one month to prepare. I've picked up a few Stephen King books at Half-Price Books and ordered a few other books from my Amazon wish list. I also have a large stack of DVDs to watch, but I'm always open to suggestions, so if you have any please feel free to comment below.

*le sigh*

I am so frustrated on so many levels with so many things in my life (namely fucked-up situations with people) that it's not even funny anymore.

I don't really want to talk about it.

Some of it is my own doing, I'm sure.
But a good chunk of it can be traced back to my good-intentioned friends.

It's been an interesting week over at the StormKeep (my home away from home these days).

And I think that's all I'm going to say about that for now.
Maybe more later?

Probably not.
We'll see.

Apr. 8th, 2009

Why do they always have to be married?



So, now that the fabulous[info]dorimayume  has hooked me up with a few great sites for streaming anime, I'm finally able to play catch-up.

So this first list is non-negotiable. I started watching these when I was with Psycho (L.D.). Yes I know that it was over 5 years ago. No, I don't care. That's just the easiest way to sum up that time of my life.

  • Cowboy Bebop
  • Outlaw Star
  • Hellsing
  • Last Exile
A special side note to the assholes who broke into my house 2 years ago. Fuck you for taking disk 2 of Last Exile. Would it have killed you to take disks 1 and 3? Seriously, I want to give you credit for your good taste. After all, you did steal a lot of my favorite movies and hoodies, not to mention the box of sex toys. But I just can't do that. I mean, you Yoko'd it, and that is just wrong. *shakes head*

Um, okay ... where was I?
Oh yeah.

So after those I have a small list of others that have been recommended to me over the years.
  • Peach Girl (Laurie had me reading the manga.)
  • Serial Experiments Lain (Psycho made it sound badass.)
  • Ouran High School Host Club (Thanks Ernie.)
So the question I pose to you, my dear flist is this.
What else am I missing out on?
What would you recommend to me?

Ninja Sweet Peas

Ninja Sweet Peas
Originally uploaded by WyldHorsesTX.

She finally has a name.

Thanks to everyone who helped out with the naming processing.
When I find the complete list I'll post it here just so you can see how much it evolved. :)


Pimp Hat
Emery Willow

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